I remember my older sister putting a tape in the video player, the 7-year-old me standing next to her and excitedly tapping my feet. Eurovision is starting to be broadcast on Macedonian Television, my sister presses the rec button. “Are you sure you pressed? Are we filming? Are we recording?” – I ask her excitedly, and she also excitedly confirms and still checks if the red light is on, indicating that the video player is recording.

I still have the tape on which we recorded the Eurovision Song Contest in 1998, when Dana International won with her song “Diva.” I remember enjoying Dana’s song, but while she was singing, my parents commented something in a low voice, maybe about the width of her shoulders.

I remember that the days after her victory, it was written in a newspaper that Dana is a “man,” I heard someone comment – “he cut off his penis”, and for the first time I heard the word “transsexual”. Over the years I’ve read other sensationalist stories about people like Dana, who are met with ridicule, always commenting on their genitalia and speculating about their sex lives, as if these people only serve to satisfy the daily need for pearlclutching, the mascots of the “Believe It or Not” column. Nothing more substantial about the lives of trans people reached the public’s eyes and ears, including mine.

27 years after I first heard the word “trans”, and two years after I came out as a non-binary person, I speak with Lila Milikj – a transgender rights activist and the driving force behind TransFormA – the first and only initiative that advocates for the rights of transgender people in the Republic of North Macedonia. Lila has good news – as part of my commitment to “TransFormA” I have the honor of writing a text about the history of the trans movement in our country. A text projected for the first edition of a trans-magazine, a space where we can speak for ourselves about our not-so-sensational lives and the not-so-scary characters that those who “fear gender” warn about.

By accepting this challenge, I myself actually participate in a kind of beginning that necessarily puts me in the position of a short-sighted storyteller. However, this short-sightedness has its advantage, which is the opportunity to speak with the protagonists of this story and to retell at least a small portion of their experiences.

Trans Group

The year is 2011, 21 years have passed since the day when the World Health Organization removed homosexuality from the list of mental disorders, 15 years have passed since the decriminalization of homosexuality in the Republic of Macedonia, 7 years since the formation of the Macedonian Association for Free Sexual Orientation (MAASO) and 6 years since Kocho Andonosvki came out as a gay man, with which the Macedonian public was confronted for the first time with the fact that gay men do, in fact, exist. However, in 2011, being transgender is still listed as a mental disorder, and the word “trans” appears only occasionally, if at all, in the media, as part of the “Believe It or Not” columns, often under the headlines “A MAN BECAME A WOMAN”, followed by a text that talks about genitalia, surgical operations and the sexual life of transgender people abroad. All this contributes to a society in which transgender people are invisible and their existence is subject to discussion.

An anonymous activist, recalling this period, says: “When I started activism, there was literally nothing in our country. Citizens had no knowledge, the topic was not discussed at all, there were no publications and sources of information, no interested medical professionals, no community, no visibility. A desert, I would say.”

Together with several transgender people, he formed an informal “trans-group” in 2011, about which he says: “in the trans community, the feeling of belonging, support and understanding is crucial for personal and collective success. The trans group aimed to provide exactly this, the missing variables for trans people to be encouraged and to engage in life with all their might, to live side by side with the rest of their fellow citizens. Community was the key.’’

No more than 5-6 people participate in the first meetings of the trans group, and the purpose of the meetings is to map the needs of the community, share information and provide mutual support. “In the group there were also people from other cities, from different ethnic communities, a diverse and dynamic combination. Internal sessions were held in the form of self-support groups, everyone could speak freely and get advice, and at the same time, information was shared about the processes for changing documents and medical procedures,” says a person who attended the first meetings.

A few years after the formation of the transgroup, the members through personal contacts, connecting with activists for the rights of gay men and lesbians, as well as civil organizations, form an alliance that begins a new chapter for trans-activism in our country.

Visibility

In 2018, the trans group formed “TransFormA” – an independent initiative through which transgender people implement the first independent projects, including the first Transgender Visibility March in 2019, initiated by Lila Milikj.

Previously an activist for sex workers’ rights, Lila joined trans activism in 2017 and contributed to the development of the movement in a very short period of time.

By coming out publicly as a transgender woman and participating in numerous interviews and several exhibitions open to the public, Lila contributes to the visibility and instills courage in everyone around her, hence the success of the first Transgender Visibility March, about which she says:

“A total of 30 transgender people participated in the March, without fear of exposing themselves publicly. The procession lasted for about an hour through the streets of Skopje and ended up in front of the doors of the Registry Office to convey a very clear message that we are here, we exist and we have the right to dignity, acceptance and understanding, like all other citizens in the country.”

However, Lila’s activism does not begin with her joining the trans group and coming out publicly as a trans woman; it does so in the period when she struggles to get medical care for gender adjustment, when it is still unavailable in our country. She recounts about this process:

“When I started with the medical gender adjustment, I started looking for doctors intensively who are familiar with this issue. Finding a psychologist was not easy and that was the first obstacle I faced. The second obstacle was the lack of knowledge regarding transgender issues on the part of an endocrinologist, to whom I had to literally send articles, as well as manuals on working with transgender people, so that they could be educated, and in order to have some benefit.”

Thanks to the personal struggles of transgender people with the system, taking place far from the public eye, today in Skopje there is an informal network of medical professionals to whom transgender people can turn without discrimination. Hence, this is a reminder that even those who do not have the opportunity to come out publicly can significantly contribute to the advancement of the rights of transgender people, and this is exactly the example of the anonymous hero – Person X, whose perseverance will make tectonic shifts.

The Person X

I just got home, with the new Identification Certificate in my bag, with a million thoughts on my mind. […] What’s next, now that the options are open? I want to start from anywhere! […] What job advertisements are there today, when I am finally not afraid to apply, I will be rejected because of the documents? Nine and a half years. How to proceed, in a world where time does not come back, but with beautiful moments it can be at least a little bit compensated?

Without documents that reflect one’s gender identity, the map of the city looks different. Where the cisgender citizen passes by smoothly, transgender people encounter obstacles. Ridicule, questioning, embarrassment in front of full waiting rooms in medical offices, problems with renting a flat, looking for a job, services at the bank, the post office, at university: transgender people without data matching their gender in their personal documents are prevented from functioning properly in all spheres of social life.

In 2012, there is no possibility of medical gender adjustment in Macedonia, so like many transgender people, X is forced to go to Belgrade to get the documents to start hormone therapy. A year after starting therapy, X changes his name, but his documents show information about a gender that does not correspond to his appearance or name. X goes to the Registry Office with a request to change his gender and social security number in line with his gender identity. His request was denied. Here begins the fight with the institutions that lasts a decade, and this fight costs X everything:

“You are submitting the name change request. They look at you in shock. They question you. They are giggling. After several weeks it was finally approved. The officer who should give it to you asks in a sarcastic tone: ‘But why do you want to change it?’ You just want to find a way get out of the premises. You try to live a normal life, but every day there are quarrels and threats, and many of your friends are bothered by this and you cannot call them for support. Chances are you’re all alone. You are preparing to submit a request to change the gender designation (only a letter) in the documents. They see the request at the counter, they see you, they see the request. A month passes, the administration is silent. Urgency. Request denied. Secondary procedure. Time passes. Urgency. Request denied. Administrative Court. Return to decide again. The same again, once again. Months pass, turn into years, you wait, your mental health suffers, your physical health suffers, and you are afraid to go to the doctor because no one wants to provide you a service. No one wants to hire you with inconsistent documents. You are left alone, without dignity. The most difficult period in my life. Years pass and you no longer know how many times you have gone through the cycle described above. You are stuck without a job, in makeshift living conditions with no signed lease, no health care, and no real support from anyone. You just wanted to change the documents, and you lost everything along the way.” – Person X

The reason for the limbo-situation in which X has been left for nine and a half years is the lack of a clear legal framework that would provide a quick procedure for transgender people to change the indications in the documents without being left to the will of the institutions and their arbitrary decisions.

In 2019, X’s case moved to the European Court of Human Rights (ECHR), in which after a struggle that required superhuman endurance and perseverance by X and the lawyer Natasha Boshkova, a ruling was finally passed in X’s favor. The ruling requires that the data in X’s documents be changed immediately, and the Republic of Macedonia is obliged to adopt a clear legal framework that would enable a quick procedure for all transgender people in the country to change the indications in the documents.

5 years after the ruling of the ECHR, under the pressure of local anti-gender groups, the Republic of North Macedonia still has not made the legal change to which the court in Strasbourg obliged it.

The person X, witnessing this regression to his hard-won victory, says:

“The court is not respected, the law is not passed, the community does not get dignity and the pressure will continue.” Currently, more people are waiting for the change of documents before the Macedonian institutions. Sooner or later they will all meet the legal requirements for submitting an Application to the European Court in Strasbourg. The state will lose those cases as it lost in my case. The circumstances are the same,” says X, who adds that despite the resistance many transgender people have endured living in unbearable circumstances for years, change will eventually happen – it’s inevitable.

The Part I Didn’t Write About

Talking to people who participated in the beginnings of the trans-movement in our country, writing this text, I slowly came to terms with the fact that on this occasion the story will remain untold. But in order for a story to be properly told, there needs to be a desire to hear it with an open heart.

Today, despite the increased visibility of transgender people, society still does not listen to our stories. Media coverage of trans people is still dominated by sensationalism and misinformation, and there is hate speech against anyone who speaks out. A great number of the people who participated in the beginnings of activism in our country are forced to remain anonymous and hide parts of themselves to stay safe, so I also had to leave out many important details in this text.

Knowing that I’m depriving the reader of some of the stories worth millions, I wonder what the world has lost by silencing trans voices, mutilating our stories in an attempt to erase one of the nuances of what it means to be human.

Reflecting on my confusing experience with Dana International’s sensationalized gender articles 27 years ago, I think about how much time out of the “closet” darkness would have been saved if Dana had been given the space to speak honestly and openly about her experience. Would I have recognized a part of myself in her words even then?

And who wouldn’t recognize at least a small part of themselves in these stories, if only they wanted to hear them.

Author: Kai Gladkova

The text is part of Tranzine – A magazine about the history, identities and experiences of transgender people. You can download the magazine here.